Cheat To Win

I typically don’t vote for Republicans. I also try not to vote with my libido.
Though it’s been impossible this Fall not to notice how the GOP debates have played out like soap operas. I’m not talking about all the in-fighting. Put the TV on mute and the comparison still holds. The crop of wannabe 2012 Republican nominees look more like daytime screen stars than Walmart shoppin’, vaccine-hatin’, caramel macchiato- mispronouncin’ conservatives who think Zumba class is a liberal conspiracy. There’s former Utah governor Jon Huntsman with his uranium tan, Rogaine-box cover hair, and perpetually bemused eyebrow cock that seems to always say I’d rather be on the beach filming an Enya video. If Mitt Romney looks bizarrely familiar, it’s because you’ve seen him canoeing in a Lipitor commercial. Michelle Bachmann—yes, she’s a lunatic who shouts “innocent 12 year old girls!” like she’s chasing the R. Kelly vote, but this can’t be the first time your boner has embarrassed your brain.

I’d skew towards Huntsman in terms of IQ and Romney for sheer looks, but damn if Rick Perry wouldn’t make a great telenovela villain. Muy caliente, indeed.

I typically don’t vote for Republicans. I also try not to vote with my libido.

Though it’s been impossible this Fall not to notice how the GOP debates have played out like soap operas. I’m not talking about all the in-fighting. Put the TV on mute and the comparison still holds. The crop of wannabe 2012 Republican nominees look more like daytime screen stars than Walmart shoppin’, vaccine-hatin’, caramel macchiato- mispronouncin’ conservatives who think Zumba class is a liberal conspiracy. There’s former Utah governor Jon Huntsman with his uranium tan, Rogaine-box cover hair, and perpetually bemused eyebrow cock that seems to always say I’d rather be on the beach filming an Enya video. If Mitt Romney looks bizarrely familiar, it’s because you’ve seen him canoeing in a Lipitor commercial. Michelle Bachmann—yes, she’s a lunatic who shouts “innocent 12 year old girls!” like she’s chasing the R. Kelly vote, but this can’t be the first time your boner has embarrassed your brain.

I’d skew towards Huntsman in terms of IQ and Romney for sheer looks, but damn if Rick Perry wouldn’t make a great telenovela villain. Muy caliente, indeed.