Cheat To Win

Never change, Cambridge.

Hanging out at Breakheart for the afternoon.

Following is a list of gems located in Grantland’s TREND ALERT discussion that mocks the Boston Globe’s “style piece” on lax bros.  Basically, Jay Kang, Rembert Browne, and Katie Baker totally shred the nets on this pathetic article, and their jokes are wicked tight, brah:

• Browne: I should probably get this out the way now and say I love the lax bros I know and irrationally despise the ones I don’t. OK, go Kang.
• Baker: I’m upset that “lacrosstitute” didn’t get one of these earnest definitions. “They are cheered, whether on the field or at the keg, by girls in sundresses known as ‘lacrosstitutes’ — a portmanteau of ‘lacrosse’ and ‘prostitutes,’ though it’s unclear how they are compensated.”
• Kang: As far as I could tell, the compensation for lacrosstitutes was mostly Boone’s Farm.
• Baker: The jam band lax bro is always a long stick middie and his bedroom is always on the third floor of the lax haus.
• Kang: Isn’t that a city law in Brookline? To live in Brookline, you have to be “all for inclusion,” even if you name your kids Zander, Cameron, and Beau? The history of suburban Boston and the METCO busing program lies somewhere in that paragraph.
• Browne: I call “shenanigans” on Andrea. There’s no way you sign your kid up for lax because baseball bores you, the mother. You sign your kid up for lax because you want your kid to be a lax bro. My mom didn’t take me out of gymnastics at age 5 and immediately drive me to a basketball gym because she was annoyed with the repetition of the pommel horse. She did it because she’s a G and wanted me to have a fun childhood where I didn’t get beat up and ultimately be a “hooper.” A “hooper” and a “lax bro” are like third cousins. Beau and I are third cousins. There, I said it.
• Kang: Also, Andrea’s three kids are 12, 11, and 9 years old. How about taking a fucking break, Andrea? You were pregnant for like 40 of 48 months. No wonder baseball bores you.
• Mother: Where are you going?
  Lax Bro: To Beau’s house.
  Mother: Why are you bringing your “spoon”? Are you guys going to play lax?
  Lax Bro: No, mom. This is clearly my “hanging spoon,” not my “game spoon” or “practice spoon.” Why are you so stupid?
  Mother: If Andrea has gained any weight, can you take a picture with your camera phone and send it to me?
  Lax Bro: Who is Andrea?
  Mother: Beau’s mom.
  Lax Bro: Oh, I think she’s pregnant again.

• It is “someone who plays a lot of lacrosse, enjoys hanging out, being sort of lackadaisical,” MacKay said. ‘Everyone has their own opinion of a lax bro. That is mine.’

  Baker: That should obviously be “laxadaisical.” Somewhere in Laxington, Laxachusetts, a new company is being trademarked right now.

I wanna go for a trip soon.